19.

Invisible

Not all the time do I feel like this.

Just a minority, but when I do, it is truly awful.

If you have been reading any of my other blog posts then you will know that I suffer with Depression. Good news, its getting so so much better. I'd like to thank my family and friends for the support that I've had, and the meds....

Even if it is getting better I do have lows, I feel like I am invisible, not just to the whole world, but to my close friends and even my parents. I'm still trying to work out why this occurs myself.

Yes, I know I should probably talk to them about how I'm feeling but what I think they'll do is either: ignore me, or laugh. That would be awful.

What really goes through my mind is taking more and more of my medication. Yes, I know that's a silly thing to do and I don't think I would ever bring myself to do it. But in my head, there's a nasty voice that is telling me to take maybe four doses of the medication instead of one, or maybe some paracetamol with it every night?

Venting it out like this is an amazing way to get my feelings out of my system. And honestly, if no-one reads it then I'm not bothered, I'm helping myself. But if I'm helping someone along the way, that's a bonus.

Some things that I do to help myself when I'm like this:
Read: Immersing myself into another world makes me forget all of my troubles and cares.

Sing: I know singing isn't a strong point of mine, but just to sing an angry or feel good song helps you laugh at yourself.

Drink: No, not alcohol. But hydrate yourself, it could be that you're dehydrated and that you don't feel well.

16.

So Many Questions

There are so many things going around in my head that I don't even know where to start.

Like it says in my bio, this is a place for me to vent, so excuse this rant.

I'm so anxious, I don't know why or what about?

What if someone leaves me, or does something to upset me? 

Then I will have no-body?

I have no-one to talk to about this, about how I feel and what I should do? There is nothing I can do about it, it's all in my head, so what is wrong with me?
I don't even know.

But when is it going to be my time, when is something good going to happen for me, when is somebody going to make me happy?

I'm the kind of person who has to open for the door for myself, and then hold it open whilst everyone goes through and gets ahead of me.

So when is my time going to be, that time when someone finally says: "This is for you." 

I've worked my butt off for the past two years and (sorry to sound like Lady C) but where the fuck is my reward?

15

Back on Track

Yes, I finally went for a run yesterday!

Only 4.5KM, but its a start.

I am feeling motivated, although I have ANOTHER cold (The third this month.).

Eating healthy didn't start until today:
I had Granola for breakfast, various fruit juices, and chicken wraps for dinner.

Sounds like a start to me!

Eating three meals a day is very daunting for someone like me, I do have days where I like to pig out, just like everyone else, but afterwards I would feel so guilty.

So, finding the right amount of food to eat a day is a task in itself.

Today was almost perfect, however, I feel very bloated and full for some reason.

Tomorrow is another running day, hopefully I can go further.

On Thursday I will be applying for some fun runs, this is to write about in my FMP.

I AM SO EXCITED!

I'm thinking of doing a santa one too, which sounds even more interesting because I get to dress up!

Anyway I am knackered from running yesterday hah.

So wish me luck for tomorrow and I will be going further and further as the first stepping stones are passed!

11.

Only Upward Spirals

After having a long week of downward spirals, it was my worst yet, I would like to say that I am now feeling positive again, but that's not entirely true.

I was at my lowest last week, being alone in the house, having nothing to do, just made me over think everything.

Life.

Why am I here?

Last week I made some terrible choices, and I hope I never get that low again, that I have to repeat that.

I have been running and eating as usual but just couldn't bring myself to share my experiences with the whole world just yet.

I am getting better, but I would say that I am 100% right now.

I will be blogging regularly again.

Hopefully this downward spiral will just make me stronger.

10.

6.12"

Getting my time down today has given me an amazing push. I ran alot further 6.15KM and I still managed to get my time down, as I ran it in 38:10 Minutes which I am very proud of.

Yes, my boyfriend did let me down and said that he didn't want to run with me today and so I went on my own as usual.

Unusually warm today I went out in shorts which was a massive step for me, yes I might go clubbing in town in a little mini dress, but there I don't stand out. But running in shorts, everyone stares at my legs while I run, feeling self conscious I went anyway.

While people stared at first I thought: "Why did I do this to myself, why did I put myself out there, with flabby legs and scattering hair?"

But then I thought: "I have to do this sometime, and its a good way to get my confidence up. 

YOU CAN STARE ALL YOU WANT BUT ARE YOU DOING EXERCISE?"

I'm feeling a lot better in myself today and therefore have eaten more than yesterday, but still being healthy. 

But if I burnt 400 calories running, surly I can treat myself later? 

My Gym

Inspiration

8.

Leader of the pack

Going running with the whole 'crew' doing the race for life: Mum, Kirstin (My sister) and Suzanne, I was the designated leader and therefore I had to run back and forward giving everyone pointers and telling them what they were doing wrong.

Although we only ran 4.5k it was a whole new workout in itself.

Half way through Kirstin got cramps in her calves, this is when we realized that she runs like Phoebe (If anyone has seen this episode of friends it was hilarious), or like a puppet. 

In addition to this, my mums knee restraint stopped her circulation. So, I was the one who had to run home with it in my hand just waving about.

However Suzanne who is the oldest of all of us, surprised me, she has a lot of stamina and rarely had to stop. 

I have belief in all of us, however this could be a long journey to help them all run 5k without stopping.

Food-wise, after giving up crisps for lent, I have had a MASSIVE blow-out. Bank holiday monday I ate at least four packets of crisps. So today I was on a low again and therefore my diet has started again. I have positive thoughts and hopefully I can do this now. 

This is very helpful, I recommend to anyone.

http://www.fitnessmagazine.com/

6.

Couch Potato

Exercising is all well and good, but when you train, you ache, and therefore you need a rest day.

So mine was today.

Joined by my very good friend Turaya Jones, we sat all day, under a blanket and watched awful daytime TV.

Drinking green tea (Obviously) and Camille (which is my new favourite) we put our aching legs up for the day and laughed at Vines, scrolled through Facebook and Tweeted to our hearts content.

In my opinion it is VERY important to have a rest day, not only your mind needs to rest but your muscles too. Your muscles need time to repair and in the process they will get stronger and as a result you'll be able to go even further.

Tomorrow, while I'm running, I will be judging whether this is actually the truth and I will write it in my next blog. 

In addition to an exercise rest, I've had a diet rest. 

Whilst drinking buckets of tea, we ate sushi and Thorntons chocolate whilst lounging on the sofa.

Today was a good day, but I'm hoping training tomorrow will be even better!

Bring on tomorrow!

5.

31MPH

While the wind was blowing 31MPH this morning I still ran.

Although I was being blown around the little streets of Enderby,feeling that I was indoor sky diving, it still felt amazing to run. 

3.77km in 20 minutes, I didn't think that was too bad. 

Yesterday wasn't a good day for me, after an unsuccessful doctors appointment I went downhill in myself. Whilst being swallowed up in my own emotions I didn't want to be around anyone and therefore I distanced myself from my family and stayed in my room all night.

Feeling slightly better today after some retail therapy though!

£50 isn't bad for 4 items I guess.

I'm bored of doing the same thing day in, day out. I run, I blog, I sit. 

I want to try new things, I want to freshen up my life, yeah, going up into town at night is all well and good but what should I do in the daytime?

Any Suggestions?

3.

Work 29/03/2015

I'm sat here eating a beautiful cheese scone from the Co-Op. 

No, I'm not doing any running today, we can call this a rest day, but running around after needy customers is enough!