20.

Depression

 So, I'm going to talk about this openly and honestly.
Everyone with this illness will be able to relate to what I'm saying.

• Not everyone with depression self harms.
• Sometimes you won't even know when a person has depression because they hide it so well.
• Depression is NOT only dictated by life circumstances - someone may have everything and still have the illness.
• Not all people that have depression take medication - treatment is not one size fits all.
• Depression is a real illness, when someone feels low, they might not think it's real, they might get laughed at or someone might not believe them. Everyone needs to realise that it is a damaging and sometimes life threatening illness.  

What others need to realise is that they will never understand how it feels to have a low, to have an anxiety attack, or to feel really isolated. Some people tell me to "Think Positive." but really, that is like saying positive thoughts could help a man with blood sugar.
We need to start treating this as a real illness, and a serious condition.
 
When I first felt the flames of depression tickle my toes, I kept it to myself. I didn't want anyone to know, I felt ashamed.
Now I can confirm that it made my condition worse, it made it to progress into even more mental illnesses.
I suffered with Anxiety, Depression, and Anorexia. 

I felt like I didn't deserve to eat, I didn't deserve anything, that was because of the depression.
And then, I had to take three weeks off of college, missing out on critical information on exams, and as a result I moved college.

I believe that everything happens for a reason and so I won't say that it was a bad move because I love what I'm doing now.

For me, what helped was doctors.
At first, I was scared, I didn't want to admit or tell anyone, and I didn't know what the doctors would do to me when I told them.
But they do really understand. As soon as I heard my doctors sympathetic voice telling me that she could help me, a weight was off of my shoulders.
She gave me medication, which has been increased and decreased over the years.
I believe this is the reason that I can talk about depression openly now. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, and so the medication balanced it out for me.
This is not to say that it works for everyone!

Presently, what I find helps is venting all of my emotions to someone, preferably a family member. Getting everything out, whether crying, shouting or just talking helps to get it out. Also, they might be able to help?

Furthermore, my boyfriend is a massive help right now, in that he helps me see what I've got. He takes a step back with me, and looks at my whole life, what I've been through and where I am now. 
I appreciate that.

My family have been my absolute rock throughout these two years.
 

19.

Invisible

Not all the time do I feel like this.

Just a minority, but when I do, it is truly awful.

If you have been reading any of my other blog posts then you will know that I suffer with Depression. Good news, its getting so so much better. I'd like to thank my family and friends for the support that I've had, and the meds....

Even if it is getting better I do have lows, I feel like I am invisible, not just to the whole world, but to my close friends and even my parents. I'm still trying to work out why this occurs myself.

Yes, I know I should probably talk to them about how I'm feeling but what I think they'll do is either: ignore me, or laugh. That would be awful.

What really goes through my mind is taking more and more of my medication. Yes, I know that's a silly thing to do and I don't think I would ever bring myself to do it. But in my head, there's a nasty voice that is telling me to take maybe four doses of the medication instead of one, or maybe some paracetamol with it every night?

Venting it out like this is an amazing way to get my feelings out of my system. And honestly, if no-one reads it then I'm not bothered, I'm helping myself. But if I'm helping someone along the way, that's a bonus.

Some things that I do to help myself when I'm like this:
Read: Immersing myself into another world makes me forget all of my troubles and cares.

Sing: I know singing isn't a strong point of mine, but just to sing an angry or feel good song helps you laugh at yourself.

Drink: No, not alcohol. But hydrate yourself, it could be that you're dehydrated and that you don't feel well.

17.

This post does not have a name.
Its just thoughts. 
If I don't voice them, I know for a fact that I will get very poorly, not just in the physical sense.

Its about people, humans, you and me.
I'm not saying I'm 100% an angel, I know that I'm not and I know that I'd done some awful things in just 18 years.
But I know now, that I care for everyone else's feelings, I think before I post something, say something, do something. 

If you know that someone has been through terrifying experiences, personal experiences that have shaped their life, you don't bring it up.
You have to nurture that being until their happy, until they are almost sane again.

If a puppy was abused, it would be sent to the most loving home that anyone could give.
So why should it be different for us?

Why don't you think before you speak, I know I'm not perfect, and I know that I am still not 100% yet.
However, I do know that in the past two years I have excelled in everything that I have done:
I've had three successful jobs and I'm now a part time junior reporter.
I've moved college and I'm achieving distinction stars.
I've changed my eating and exercise habits so that I'm not in danger anymore.

I know that the world can be a terrible place some of the time, but I also know that we, ourselves can make it a better and more bearable experience for some people.
Why don't you post something nice, instead of an indirect comment about someone, even though you know it will hurt them.
Why don't you put your phone down instead of texting someone something you know will make them rethink their life.

Why would you want to make someone else's life a misery?If you don't like them, leave them be!

Anyway, on a lighter note:
I'm running 5KM tomorrow with a water infection so that should be much fun. Wish me luck, I will be writing an article following that too.

16.

So Many Questions

There are so many things going around in my head that I don't even know where to start.

Like it says in my bio, this is a place for me to vent, so excuse this rant.

I'm so anxious, I don't know why or what about?

What if someone leaves me, or does something to upset me? 

Then I will have no-body?

I have no-one to talk to about this, about how I feel and what I should do? There is nothing I can do about it, it's all in my head, so what is wrong with me?
I don't even know.

But when is it going to be my time, when is something good going to happen for me, when is somebody going to make me happy?

I'm the kind of person who has to open for the door for myself, and then hold it open whilst everyone goes through and gets ahead of me.

So when is my time going to be, that time when someone finally says: "This is for you." 

I've worked my butt off for the past two years and (sorry to sound like Lady C) but where the fuck is my reward?

12.

Happy Days

So proud of myself.

When I applied for the race for life my aim was to complete the race in 25 minutes.

Today, I ran 5.5KM in 31 minutes, which is about 3/4 minutes off my target. I am so happy.

A break from running and from positivity did make me stronger. Additionally I had a rest day yesterday, so no exercise apart from walking around college from 8-5. 

I can't express how happy I am for myself.

Apart from doubts in my mind which I think will never go away, I actually think I will be able to complete this, with all my friends and family around me I am happier than ever.

My aim now is to stop burdening myself with everyone else's problems, I need to relax and be a little selfish now.

8.

Leader of the pack

Going running with the whole 'crew' doing the race for life: Mum, Kirstin (My sister) and Suzanne, I was the designated leader and therefore I had to run back and forward giving everyone pointers and telling them what they were doing wrong.

Although we only ran 4.5k it was a whole new workout in itself.

Half way through Kirstin got cramps in her calves, this is when we realized that she runs like Phoebe (If anyone has seen this episode of friends it was hilarious), or like a puppet. 

In addition to this, my mums knee restraint stopped her circulation. So, I was the one who had to run home with it in my hand just waving about.

However Suzanne who is the oldest of all of us, surprised me, she has a lot of stamina and rarely had to stop. 

I have belief in all of us, however this could be a long journey to help them all run 5k without stopping.

Food-wise, after giving up crisps for lent, I have had a MASSIVE blow-out. Bank holiday monday I ate at least four packets of crisps. So today I was on a low again and therefore my diet has started again. I have positive thoughts and hopefully I can do this now. 

7.

Lets get serious

No one is a fitness freak, no. 

Someone may make it a habit to run, to stay healthy or lean, but nobody is that obsessed about something.

After this side of the week, not eating well, I feel bad about myself and yes, this makes me want to run, as far and as long as I can. 

So that's what I'll probably do, tomorrow when I'm back on it I will get lost in my exercise and fitness because of how I feel, because that's how my mind works.

I went into Leicester town last night, yes I was drinking and yes, I do know how many calories are in alcohol, but sometimes, you need to let your hair down! However, after the state that my friends were in, I have no intention of going again soon. 

So it's time to start my serious training for the Race For Life. 

Running 4 times a week, and lean meat and vegetables only, this time I will stick to it, no one will stop me this time!

I'm so excited to start training,

BRING IT ON!

6.

Couch Potato

Exercising is all well and good, but when you train, you ache, and therefore you need a rest day.

So mine was today.

Joined by my very good friend Turaya Jones, we sat all day, under a blanket and watched awful daytime TV.

Drinking green tea (Obviously) and Camille (which is my new favourite) we put our aching legs up for the day and laughed at Vines, scrolled through Facebook and Tweeted to our hearts content.

In my opinion it is VERY important to have a rest day, not only your mind needs to rest but your muscles too. Your muscles need time to repair and in the process they will get stronger and as a result you'll be able to go even further.

Tomorrow, while I'm running, I will be judging whether this is actually the truth and I will write it in my next blog. 

In addition to an exercise rest, I've had a diet rest. 

Whilst drinking buckets of tea, we ate sushi and Thorntons chocolate whilst lounging on the sofa.

Today was a good day, but I'm hoping training tomorrow will be even better!

Bring on tomorrow!

5.

31MPH

While the wind was blowing 31MPH this morning I still ran.

Although I was being blown around the little streets of Enderby,feeling that I was indoor sky diving, it still felt amazing to run. 

3.77km in 20 minutes, I didn't think that was too bad. 

Yesterday wasn't a good day for me, after an unsuccessful doctors appointment I went downhill in myself. Whilst being swallowed up in my own emotions I didn't want to be around anyone and therefore I distanced myself from my family and stayed in my room all night.

Feeling slightly better today after some retail therapy though!

£50 isn't bad for 4 items I guess.

I'm bored of doing the same thing day in, day out. I run, I blog, I sit. 

I want to try new things, I want to freshen up my life, yeah, going up into town at night is all well and good but what should I do in the daytime?

Any Suggestions?

2.

Saturday Drizzle

Although I did go to Frankie and Benny's for a full English breakfast (Which I fully deserved.) I did go on a run. 

I am running the race for life with my mum and sister for my Grandma, who unfortunately I never got to meet and I regret that.

However, we are doing something for her now.

So I'm having to train my mum and although she is slimmer than usual she has no fitness at all. We ran 4km all together in 28 minutes which is not bad for her fitness level.

But whilst I was running with her and was thinking: "What have I let myself in for?" I then thought:

"It doesn't matter how fast you go it matters that you GO!"

I do love my mum and I know for a fact that she can do this race for life. 

Now I just have to live with the regret of having a full English breakfast while I'm at work. 

So lets GO!