20.

Depression

 So, I'm going to talk about this openly and honestly.
Everyone with this illness will be able to relate to what I'm saying.

• Not everyone with depression self harms.
• Sometimes you won't even know when a person has depression because they hide it so well.
• Depression is NOT only dictated by life circumstances - someone may have everything and still have the illness.
• Not all people that have depression take medication - treatment is not one size fits all.
• Depression is a real illness, when someone feels low, they might not think it's real, they might get laughed at or someone might not believe them. Everyone needs to realise that it is a damaging and sometimes life threatening illness.  

What others need to realise is that they will never understand how it feels to have a low, to have an anxiety attack, or to feel really isolated. Some people tell me to "Think Positive." but really, that is like saying positive thoughts could help a man with blood sugar.
We need to start treating this as a real illness, and a serious condition.
 
When I first felt the flames of depression tickle my toes, I kept it to myself. I didn't want anyone to know, I felt ashamed.
Now I can confirm that it made my condition worse, it made it to progress into even more mental illnesses.
I suffered with Anxiety, Depression, and Anorexia. 

I felt like I didn't deserve to eat, I didn't deserve anything, that was because of the depression.
And then, I had to take three weeks off of college, missing out on critical information on exams, and as a result I moved college.

I believe that everything happens for a reason and so I won't say that it was a bad move because I love what I'm doing now.

For me, what helped was doctors.
At first, I was scared, I didn't want to admit or tell anyone, and I didn't know what the doctors would do to me when I told them.
But they do really understand. As soon as I heard my doctors sympathetic voice telling me that she could help me, a weight was off of my shoulders.
She gave me medication, which has been increased and decreased over the years.
I believe this is the reason that I can talk about depression openly now. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, and so the medication balanced it out for me.
This is not to say that it works for everyone!

Presently, what I find helps is venting all of my emotions to someone, preferably a family member. Getting everything out, whether crying, shouting or just talking helps to get it out. Also, they might be able to help?

Furthermore, my boyfriend is a massive help right now, in that he helps me see what I've got. He takes a step back with me, and looks at my whole life, what I've been through and where I am now. 
I appreciate that.

My family have been my absolute rock throughout these two years.
 

18.

FMP.

I'm currently writing a whole magazine on health and fitness for my final project at college.
So, I thought I'd give you a little taster of my article about The Race For Life:

How did we train?

We all wanted to train together as we were all running for the same cause. We trained twice a week, as a group, and once a week on our own.

In the group sessions, we would stretch thoroughly and then start our session, starting fairly easy at the start of the year. For instance one week we would run for 30 seconds and then walk for 45, repeating the cycle for 30 minutes.

We would run or jog slowly all together, never leaving anyone behind, to help our bodies adjust to the training.

In the training sessions on our own we would work at our own pace trying to improve on our personal fitness.

We would each track our progress by using apps on our phone. The two I would highly recommend are: “Nike Running” and “Run keeper” these can be found on any smartphone.

These apps would tell us how far we have ran and at what pace. This is very handy as if you are going slower than you wish, you can up your speed as it talks to you whilst you’re running!

We did have to buy some running gear. My advice for this would be: don’t go for the expensive stuff if you’re not serious. The branded clothing and workout gear will last you longer and does the job a lot better, but if you think you’re going to quit then don’t commit!

To start with, you will need to buy some leggings/shorts, and a sports bra. These are the basics; you can put an old top or jumper over your bra and go!

Obviously you will need some trainers, make sure that they fit perfectly, to small and you will hurt your toes and feet, too big and you won’t be able to run without tripping over! If you’re not sure, get a shop assistant to help you.

Advice for training:

·        If you haven’t ran before then I suggest that you find a plan online or from a gym, this will give you a starting block. This way, you will be able to start to build up your fitness without hurting yourself.

·        I also advise that you have a running buddy, whether this be a friend, a pet or just your music, it is very helpful to have something there to take your mind off of what you are doing.

·        If you are using music then I suggest that you create a playlist. Because if you’re anything like me then you will be flicking through songs instead of running!

·        Run in the mornings; get an early start, this will almost trick your mind into what your body is doing. In addition to this, you will get the best weather, not too hot neither too cold.

·        The most important tip is to get your breathing down. Make sure you’re not panting throughout; this will mean you can’t run as long. I wouldn’t try to talk or even sing whilst you’re running; this will seriously affect your distance.

16.

So Many Questions

There are so many things going around in my head that I don't even know where to start.

Like it says in my bio, this is a place for me to vent, so excuse this rant.

I'm so anxious, I don't know why or what about?

What if someone leaves me, or does something to upset me? 

Then I will have no-body?

I have no-one to talk to about this, about how I feel and what I should do? There is nothing I can do about it, it's all in my head, so what is wrong with me?
I don't even know.

But when is it going to be my time, when is something good going to happen for me, when is somebody going to make me happy?

I'm the kind of person who has to open for the door for myself, and then hold it open whilst everyone goes through and gets ahead of me.

So when is my time going to be, that time when someone finally says: "This is for you." 

I've worked my butt off for the past two years and (sorry to sound like Lady C) but where the fuck is my reward?

11.

Only Upward Spirals

After having a long week of downward spirals, it was my worst yet, I would like to say that I am now feeling positive again, but that's not entirely true.

I was at my lowest last week, being alone in the house, having nothing to do, just made me over think everything.

Life.

Why am I here?

Last week I made some terrible choices, and I hope I never get that low again, that I have to repeat that.

I have been running and eating as usual but just couldn't bring myself to share my experiences with the whole world just yet.

I am getting better, but I would say that I am 100% right now.

I will be blogging regularly again.

Hopefully this downward spiral will just make me stronger.

9.

4.83KM

After a very boring five hour shift this morning, I decided to cheer myself up by going on a run in the summer sun!
I ran 4.83KM, on my usual route I did it in 30:40 Minutes which is reasonably good since I didn't stop once on the way around, however, it was no personal best for me. I NEED TO IMPROVE, and fast!
Running 6:18 Minutes per KM isn't bad but I would like it to be better.
Tomorrow I will be running with my boyfriend, now, he has never ran before and therefore it won't be a personal best either.
On Friday it will be a rest day and therefore I wont be doing anything, which I am glad about.
On Saturday I will be running with my mum again and it still won't be a personal best.
On Monday, it will be the start of my new running plan. Not long distance but short - Under 5KM, but with a shorter time per KM. 

Running today made me feel amazing, free and almost liberated and therefore I feel very refreshed and positive about myself.
However eating only, cheerios at 6.30AM this morning, a breakfast bar at 2.00PM and two ryvita's at around 4.00PM I know that this is not enough but I am afraid to eat anymore for feeling bloated and fat.
My mind will never be the same after being diagnosed with anorexia however hopefully I will get better, and hopefully soon, because I am feeling the same as before.
Hopefully I don't go back down that road.

4.

10 000 steps

After a doctors appointment, which I had to run for because my mum got the time wrong, I went on a very long run.

I felt better than I ever have before, after not being even slightly out of breath at 5km I decided to carry on further than I have before. 

I ran 7.25km in 40 minutes which is really good as I did not stop, it doesn't matter what you look like or what you do you just have to do it!

Within the first five minutes of running I came across a group of young lads who were in full tracksuits just walking down the road. As I ran past them, they comically mimicked how I was running. But this did not make me upset or stop me from running. It made me want to do it faster and harder.

Its for the people like this that I want a good body, I want them to see me in 6 months and say "WOW!". I want all the people that have ever said a bad word about me to take it back.

After an unsatisfying doctors appointment, I will make it my aim to better myself in every way. I want to eat clean 24/7 and exercise even more.

I've eaten a bowl of cheerio's (such a child) and had around 4 Green teas (I am obsessed as they allow your stomach to bloat less.) and 9172 steps completed. 

Feeling positive and 828 steps to go!