20.

Depression

 So, I'm going to talk about this openly and honestly.
Everyone with this illness will be able to relate to what I'm saying.

• Not everyone with depression self harms.
• Sometimes you won't even know when a person has depression because they hide it so well.
• Depression is NOT only dictated by life circumstances - someone may have everything and still have the illness.
• Not all people that have depression take medication - treatment is not one size fits all.
• Depression is a real illness, when someone feels low, they might not think it's real, they might get laughed at or someone might not believe them. Everyone needs to realise that it is a damaging and sometimes life threatening illness.  

What others need to realise is that they will never understand how it feels to have a low, to have an anxiety attack, or to feel really isolated. Some people tell me to "Think Positive." but really, that is like saying positive thoughts could help a man with blood sugar.
We need to start treating this as a real illness, and a serious condition.
 
When I first felt the flames of depression tickle my toes, I kept it to myself. I didn't want anyone to know, I felt ashamed.
Now I can confirm that it made my condition worse, it made it to progress into even more mental illnesses.
I suffered with Anxiety, Depression, and Anorexia. 

I felt like I didn't deserve to eat, I didn't deserve anything, that was because of the depression.
And then, I had to take three weeks off of college, missing out on critical information on exams, and as a result I moved college.

I believe that everything happens for a reason and so I won't say that it was a bad move because I love what I'm doing now.

For me, what helped was doctors.
At first, I was scared, I didn't want to admit or tell anyone, and I didn't know what the doctors would do to me when I told them.
But they do really understand. As soon as I heard my doctors sympathetic voice telling me that she could help me, a weight was off of my shoulders.
She gave me medication, which has been increased and decreased over the years.
I believe this is the reason that I can talk about depression openly now. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, and so the medication balanced it out for me.
This is not to say that it works for everyone!

Presently, what I find helps is venting all of my emotions to someone, preferably a family member. Getting everything out, whether crying, shouting or just talking helps to get it out. Also, they might be able to help?

Furthermore, my boyfriend is a massive help right now, in that he helps me see what I've got. He takes a step back with me, and looks at my whole life, what I've been through and where I am now. 
I appreciate that.

My family have been my absolute rock throughout these two years.
 

12.

Happy Days

So proud of myself.

When I applied for the race for life my aim was to complete the race in 25 minutes.

Today, I ran 5.5KM in 31 minutes, which is about 3/4 minutes off my target. I am so happy.

A break from running and from positivity did make me stronger. Additionally I had a rest day yesterday, so no exercise apart from walking around college from 8-5. 

I can't express how happy I am for myself.

Apart from doubts in my mind which I think will never go away, I actually think I will be able to complete this, with all my friends and family around me I am happier than ever.

My aim now is to stop burdening myself with everyone else's problems, I need to relax and be a little selfish now.

11.

Only Upward Spirals

After having a long week of downward spirals, it was my worst yet, I would like to say that I am now feeling positive again, but that's not entirely true.

I was at my lowest last week, being alone in the house, having nothing to do, just made me over think everything.

Life.

Why am I here?

Last week I made some terrible choices, and I hope I never get that low again, that I have to repeat that.

I have been running and eating as usual but just couldn't bring myself to share my experiences with the whole world just yet.

I am getting better, but I would say that I am 100% right now.

I will be blogging regularly again.

Hopefully this downward spiral will just make me stronger.

9.

4.83KM

After a very boring five hour shift this morning, I decided to cheer myself up by going on a run in the summer sun!
I ran 4.83KM, on my usual route I did it in 30:40 Minutes which is reasonably good since I didn't stop once on the way around, however, it was no personal best for me. I NEED TO IMPROVE, and fast!
Running 6:18 Minutes per KM isn't bad but I would like it to be better.
Tomorrow I will be running with my boyfriend, now, he has never ran before and therefore it won't be a personal best either.
On Friday it will be a rest day and therefore I wont be doing anything, which I am glad about.
On Saturday I will be running with my mum again and it still won't be a personal best.
On Monday, it will be the start of my new running plan. Not long distance but short - Under 5KM, but with a shorter time per KM. 

Running today made me feel amazing, free and almost liberated and therefore I feel very refreshed and positive about myself.
However eating only, cheerios at 6.30AM this morning, a breakfast bar at 2.00PM and two ryvita's at around 4.00PM I know that this is not enough but I am afraid to eat anymore for feeling bloated and fat.
My mind will never be the same after being diagnosed with anorexia however hopefully I will get better, and hopefully soon, because I am feeling the same as before.
Hopefully I don't go back down that road.