19.

Invisible

Not all the time do I feel like this.

Just a minority, but when I do, it is truly awful.

If you have been reading any of my other blog posts then you will know that I suffer with Depression. Good news, its getting so so much better. I'd like to thank my family and friends for the support that I've had, and the meds....

Even if it is getting better I do have lows, I feel like I am invisible, not just to the whole world, but to my close friends and even my parents. I'm still trying to work out why this occurs myself.

Yes, I know I should probably talk to them about how I'm feeling but what I think they'll do is either: ignore me, or laugh. That would be awful.

What really goes through my mind is taking more and more of my medication. Yes, I know that's a silly thing to do and I don't think I would ever bring myself to do it. But in my head, there's a nasty voice that is telling me to take maybe four doses of the medication instead of one, or maybe some paracetamol with it every night?

Venting it out like this is an amazing way to get my feelings out of my system. And honestly, if no-one reads it then I'm not bothered, I'm helping myself. But if I'm helping someone along the way, that's a bonus.

Some things that I do to help myself when I'm like this:
Read: Immersing myself into another world makes me forget all of my troubles and cares.

Sing: I know singing isn't a strong point of mine, but just to sing an angry or feel good song helps you laugh at yourself.

Drink: No, not alcohol. But hydrate yourself, it could be that you're dehydrated and that you don't feel well.

18.

FMP.

I'm currently writing a whole magazine on health and fitness for my final project at college.
So, I thought I'd give you a little taster of my article about The Race For Life:

How did we train?

We all wanted to train together as we were all running for the same cause. We trained twice a week, as a group, and once a week on our own.

In the group sessions, we would stretch thoroughly and then start our session, starting fairly easy at the start of the year. For instance one week we would run for 30 seconds and then walk for 45, repeating the cycle for 30 minutes.

We would run or jog slowly all together, never leaving anyone behind, to help our bodies adjust to the training.

In the training sessions on our own we would work at our own pace trying to improve on our personal fitness.

We would each track our progress by using apps on our phone. The two I would highly recommend are: “Nike Running” and “Run keeper” these can be found on any smartphone.

These apps would tell us how far we have ran and at what pace. This is very handy as if you are going slower than you wish, you can up your speed as it talks to you whilst you’re running!

We did have to buy some running gear. My advice for this would be: don’t go for the expensive stuff if you’re not serious. The branded clothing and workout gear will last you longer and does the job a lot better, but if you think you’re going to quit then don’t commit!

To start with, you will need to buy some leggings/shorts, and a sports bra. These are the basics; you can put an old top or jumper over your bra and go!

Obviously you will need some trainers, make sure that they fit perfectly, to small and you will hurt your toes and feet, too big and you won’t be able to run without tripping over! If you’re not sure, get a shop assistant to help you.

Advice for training:

·        If you haven’t ran before then I suggest that you find a plan online or from a gym, this will give you a starting block. This way, you will be able to start to build up your fitness without hurting yourself.

·        I also advise that you have a running buddy, whether this be a friend, a pet or just your music, it is very helpful to have something there to take your mind off of what you are doing.

·        If you are using music then I suggest that you create a playlist. Because if you’re anything like me then you will be flicking through songs instead of running!

·        Run in the mornings; get an early start, this will almost trick your mind into what your body is doing. In addition to this, you will get the best weather, not too hot neither too cold.

·        The most important tip is to get your breathing down. Make sure you’re not panting throughout; this will mean you can’t run as long. I wouldn’t try to talk or even sing whilst you’re running; this will seriously affect your distance.

17.

This post does not have a name.
Its just thoughts. 
If I don't voice them, I know for a fact that I will get very poorly, not just in the physical sense.

Its about people, humans, you and me.
I'm not saying I'm 100% an angel, I know that I'm not and I know that I'd done some awful things in just 18 years.
But I know now, that I care for everyone else's feelings, I think before I post something, say something, do something. 

If you know that someone has been through terrifying experiences, personal experiences that have shaped their life, you don't bring it up.
You have to nurture that being until their happy, until they are almost sane again.

If a puppy was abused, it would be sent to the most loving home that anyone could give.
So why should it be different for us?

Why don't you think before you speak, I know I'm not perfect, and I know that I am still not 100% yet.
However, I do know that in the past two years I have excelled in everything that I have done:
I've had three successful jobs and I'm now a part time junior reporter.
I've moved college and I'm achieving distinction stars.
I've changed my eating and exercise habits so that I'm not in danger anymore.

I know that the world can be a terrible place some of the time, but I also know that we, ourselves can make it a better and more bearable experience for some people.
Why don't you post something nice, instead of an indirect comment about someone, even though you know it will hurt them.
Why don't you put your phone down instead of texting someone something you know will make them rethink their life.

Why would you want to make someone else's life a misery?If you don't like them, leave them be!

Anyway, on a lighter note:
I'm running 5KM tomorrow with a water infection so that should be much fun. Wish me luck, I will be writing an article following that too.

16.

So Many Questions

There are so many things going around in my head that I don't even know where to start.

Like it says in my bio, this is a place for me to vent, so excuse this rant.

I'm so anxious, I don't know why or what about?

What if someone leaves me, or does something to upset me? 

Then I will have no-body?

I have no-one to talk to about this, about how I feel and what I should do? There is nothing I can do about it, it's all in my head, so what is wrong with me?
I don't even know.

But when is it going to be my time, when is something good going to happen for me, when is somebody going to make me happy?

I'm the kind of person who has to open for the door for myself, and then hold it open whilst everyone goes through and gets ahead of me.

So when is my time going to be, that time when someone finally says: "This is for you." 

I've worked my butt off for the past two years and (sorry to sound like Lady C) but where the fuck is my reward?

15

Back on Track

Yes, I finally went for a run yesterday!

Only 4.5KM, but its a start.

I am feeling motivated, although I have ANOTHER cold (The third this month.).

Eating healthy didn't start until today:
I had Granola for breakfast, various fruit juices, and chicken wraps for dinner.

Sounds like a start to me!

Eating three meals a day is very daunting for someone like me, I do have days where I like to pig out, just like everyone else, but afterwards I would feel so guilty.

So, finding the right amount of food to eat a day is a task in itself.

Today was almost perfect, however, I feel very bloated and full for some reason.

Tomorrow is another running day, hopefully I can go further.

On Thursday I will be applying for some fun runs, this is to write about in my FMP.

I AM SO EXCITED!

I'm thinking of doing a santa one too, which sounds even more interesting because I get to dress up!

Anyway I am knackered from running yesterday hah.

So wish me luck for tomorrow and I will be going further and further as the first stepping stones are passed!

LIFE.

14.

Be More Zen

According to my friend this is the way to be?

Okay so after many google searches whilst I was supposed to working, I have come to the conclusion that this could be a way to focus on fitness!

Of course, there are some rules:
Stop comparing yourself, your situation, your achievements to others. This is the best way to concentrate on yourself, and go at your own pace.

Stop judging others, whether its their actions or even the way they look.

Stop worrying (This is essential for myself). Overthinking is what my brain likes to do, which sends me into overdrive and that's when the anxiety really kicks in. 

There is absolutely no purpose of worry so: Breathe, Count to ten and carry on.

Stop blaming other people, playing the victim is often easier than taking responsibility. 

Look at the root of the cause, why are you feeling like you are?
Get to the bottom of things in your own head before you come to conclusions.

Stop competing. Obviously sport is competitive, however, if you've just got a personal best then be proud, don't get upset that it isn't as good as your neighbor.

And finally, have a laugh with it all! 

Life is fun so lets make it.

Tomorrow is my first run ah.

It's fair to say I am nervous and I may not go far but it's a start!
Wish me luck.